Questions to Ask Elders at Your Family Reunion

The best family stories do not begin when everyone arrives. They begin while you are planning to bring everyone together.

Last year, I planned my first family reunion. It wasn’t the first Brunson Family Reunion. Our reunions began in 1990 and happened every other year through 2000. Then the tradition stopped. The elders who had carried the bond were aging and passing away, Boomers were busier, Gen X was starting families, people moved farther apart, and life kept moving. Before anyone fully took stock of it, twenty-five years had passed.

When we decided to bring the reunion back in 2024, I thought I understood what I was signing up for. I expected hotel negotiations, registration forms, budgets, committee meetings, venue contracts, T-shirts, food, and an impressive number of questions already answered on the website an impressive number of questions whose answers were already on the website. I knew there would be work involved in finding people after such a long gap, but I mostly thought of that as a guest-list problem.

The first thing I needed was a reliable way to reach everyone, which meant calling relatives I barely knew and, in some cases, had never met. Some of these cousins who felt like strangers had not spoken to a second cousin in twenty years or more.Some of these cousin-strangers had not spoken to a second cousin in twenty years or more. I usually began with a simple introduction and an invitation to the reunion. It didn’t take long to learn that nobody answers only the question you called to ask.

I might ask whether someone planned to attend and spend the next half hour sorting through how two branches of the family were connected. One cousin would mention another person I needed to call, who would send me to someone else, and suddenly I had filled a notebook page with names, places, arrows, and questions while forgetting to ask whether the person on the phone wanted one king bed or two queens.

Those calls were how I invited people to the reunion, but they also became the first layer of documenting our family’s story.

Before anyone checked into the hotel, we were already reconnecting relatives, comparing memories, identifying people in old photographs, and finding out who had inherited family records or keepsakes. The reunion had started long before reunion weekend.

Photo direction: Open with a candid image from the 2025 Brunson Family Reunion rather than a formal group portrait. Look for a photograph where several generations are visible naturally: cousins greeting one another, elders talking at a table, children moving through the frame, or family members looking through photographs together. The image should feel familiar to anyone who has attended a Black family reunion.

Start the conversations before the reunion

It is tempting to think the reunion itself will be the perfect time to sit down with elders and ask everything you have ever wanted to know. Everyone will finally be in one place, after all. That is true, but it is also where a lot of us reunion planners/family historians/etc get caught.

Reunion weekends are busy. People are arriving at different times, greeting relatives they have not seen in years, trying to remember names, checking on children, helping with food, taking pictures, playing games, and moving from one scheduled activity to another. The same elder you planned to interview may be surrounded by relatives all afternoon, tired by evening, or gone before you find a quiet place to talk.

The reunion is a wonderful time to continue a conversation. It should not be the first time the conversation has crossed your mind.

Your planning calls can do more than confirm attendance. They can help you learn what a relative knows, what they enjoy talking about, which family members they remember most clearly, and whether they have photographs, documents, recipes, or keepsakes they might bring. They can also tell you which questions need more preparation and which subjects should be approached carefully—or not at all.

This is where I began to think about oral history interviews the way a producer prepares a guest.

A good producer does not hand someone a microphone, ask them to start at birth, and hope an interesting story appears. They learn who the person is. They find out what matters to them, what they enjoy discussing, where their knowledge is strongest, and what might help them remember. They may pull a photograph, a song, a newspaper article, or an old letter because they know it can open a door that a generic question cannot.

Family interviews deserve the same care.

You may already know that your aunt remembers every church the family attended but is less interested in discussing her school years. Your uncle may not respond well to broad questions, but he can talk for an hour after seeing a photograph of the neighborhood where he grew up. An older cousin may be the only person who remembers certain names, while another is the person to ask about recipes, family sayings, military service, or the early reunions.

You can learn much of this before reunion weekend with a phone call or Zoom conversation.You can learn much of that before reunion weekend with a phone call or Zoom conversation. You can also give the person time to think. When you tell someone, “At the reunion, I would love to talk with you about your childhood in Arkansas,” you have given them a chance to remember, find photographs, call a sibling, or pull out a box they have not opened in years.

Photo direction: Use a photograph of the reunion-planning process here. Good options include handwritten call notes, an old reunion booklet beside a laptop, family photographs spread across a table, or a page filled with names and reminders. Avoid a polished stock-style workspace. It should look like actual family research happening alongside event planning.

Find out who knows what

You do not need to be the family historian to notice that knowledge is distributed across a family. One person remembers names. Another remembers places. Someone else has the pictures. Another relative knows the story behind the picture but has never seen the original.

As I made calls for the Brunson reunion, certain names kept coming up. Whenever I found a new photograph, made a discovery, or heard a version of a story that needed checking, Cousin Feryl was often the person I ran it by. She could recognize faces, place people within the family, and add context that I would never have found in a record.

Our conversations were not formal interviews. Most of the time, I was calling because I had a question and trusted that she might know a piece of the answer. Still, those conversations became part of the oral history work that eventually shaped our reunion and how I documented our family.Still, those conversations became part of the oral history work that eventually shaped our reunion and the way I documented our family.

Cousin Feryl passed away a few months before the reunion.

I am grateful that I had spoken with her several times before then. I am also aware of the things I did not get around to asking. That experience is part of why I encourage families not to treat oral history as something that can wait until the reunion, the holidays, retirement, or a less busy season. There will always be another task on the planning list. There will not always be another chance to make the call.

That does not mean every conversation needs to carry the pressure of becoming a definitive family-history interview. It can begin with something ordinary: asking about a person in a photograph, checking the name of a town, or finding out who made a certain dish. The important part is beginning while the person is available and letting the relationship grow around the questions.

Before your reunion, make a loose map of the people you may want to talk with. Ask relatives:

• Who remembers the oldest generation personally?

• Who knows the family’s migration stories?

• Who can identify people in old photographs?

• Who remembers previous reunions?

• Who knows the recipes and who taught them?

• Who remembers the family churches, schools, businesses, or neighborhoods?

• Who has old albums, letters, Bibles, programs, funeral notices, or newspaper clippings?

• Who tells the stories everyone else asks to hear again?

• Who may know something important but is unlikely to volunteer it without being asked?

Don't assume the oldest person knows everything or that only elders carry useful history or interesting stories. An older cousin may remember your grandparents as young adults. A relative who married into the family may have listened more closely than everyone else. A younger cousin may have inherited all the photographs and already begun labeling them.

The goal is not to declare one person the only source of truth.The goal is not to declare one person the official source of truth. Family memories conflict. Names are remembered differently. Dates get shifted. People leave things out. That is normal. You are trying to understand what each person can contribute and create enough time to hear it.

Photo direction: Include a warm, everyday photograph of Cousin Feryl if one is available. It should introduce her as a person who mattered to the family story, not function as a memorial graphic. A simple caption could read: “Whenever I had a question or made a new discovery, Cousin Feryl was one of the people I called.”

Give people something to remember with

“What was your childhood like?” is a reasonable question, but it asks someone to search through an entire childhood and decide where to begin. Sometimes they can. Often, a more specific prompt works better.

A photograph can call out the memory. So can a song, a recipe, an address, a school name, a church program, or the name of a relative. These are not props added to make an interview more interesting. They help locate a person inside a memory.

Instead of asking only, “What do you remember about your mother?” you might show a photograph of her standing in a kitchen and ask what she liked to cook, what the room looked like, or who else would have been nearby. Instead of asking an elder to describe an old neighborhood in general, pull up the street on a map and ask them to walk you from their house to school. Play a song they loved in high school and ask where they first heard it. Bring a reunion photograph and ask what happened before and after it was taken.

You may also discover during a planning call that someone has the perfect material already. A relative may casually mention a photo album, recipe box, military document, or family Bible. That is the time to ask whether they would be comfortable bringing it to the reunion—not the morning of the event, when they are already packing clothes, medicine, and gifts for the grandchildren.

Be clear about what will happen to anything they bring. Tell them whether you plan to scan it, photograph it, record them talking about it, or simply look at it together. Reassure them that they will keep the original. Label bags and boxes. Have a sign-in and tracking system. Family keepsakes are not the place for a loose “we’ll figure it out.”

Respect the aht-aht topics

Good preparation is not only about finding the best stories. It is also about learning where the limits are.

Every family has subjects that require care. Some are painful. Some are private. Some involve living people. Some are simply not your business. An elder may be willing to discuss a difficult period but not in front of other relatives. Another may decide that a story can be recorded but should not be shared widely. Someone may not want to talk about a marriage, estrangement, adoption, death, financial hardship, violence, or another experience that still carries weight.

Do not treat reluctance as an obstacle you need to overcome. Oral history is not an interrogation, and family access does not erase a person’s right to decide what they share.

A short conversation before the reunion can help. Explain why you are interested, how the recording or notes may be used, and who will have access. Ask whether there are areas they would rather avoid. If another relative knows the person well, you can ask for general guidance without turning that relative into a source of gossip.

You can also give people control during the interview. Tell them they can skip any question, pause, take a break, or ask you to remove part of a recording. Get permission before recording audio or video. If you plan to post the interview in a shared family archive, publish excerpts, or use it in a book, be specific.

People usually share more when they feel safe, not when they feel cornered.

Plan the conversation, not performance

You do not need studio equipment or a documentary crew to record a meaningful family story. A phone placed close enough to capture clear audio can be enough. The more important preparation is choosing a good time, finding a reasonably quiet place, knowing where you want to begin, and being willing to listen.

At the reunion, avoid putting an elder onstage without warning and asking them to summarize eighty years of life in front of the whole family. Some people thrive in that setting. Others will give you the shortest answer possible and save the good story for later at the table.

A one-on-one or small-group conversation often feels more natural. Siblings can be especially good together because one person’s memory activates another’s. They may correct each other, add details, and disagree about what happened. Those exchanges are part of the history, too, as long as the conversation remains respectful.

Try not to cram every question into one interview. Twenty thoughtful minutes can be more useful than an exhausting two-hour session. You can always schedule another call after the reunion, and often you should. A reunion interview may surface stories that deserve their own follow-up.

It also helps to assign someone other than the reunion chair to manage interviews. The person leading the entire event will be pulled in too many directions. Identify a relative who listens well, understands basic recording, and can keep track of permissions, names, and files. Give that person a schedule with room between interviews rather than booking relatives back-to-back.

Questions to ask elders before and during your family reunion

You do not need to ask every question below. Choose the ones that fit the person, the purpose of the conversation, and the time you have. Use them as openings rather than a script. The best follow-up is often some version of “What happened next?” or “Tell me more about that.”

Childhood and home

Childhood questions are often a comfortable place to begin because they invite sensory details and everyday memories. Instead of asking someone to explain their whole life, you are giving them a house, a street, a person, or a routine to return to.

1. What is one of your earliest memories?

2. Where did you grow up, and what do you remember about the place?

3. What did your childhood home look like?

4. Who lived in the household with you?

5. Who helped raise you besides your parents?

6. What chores were you responsible for?

7. What did you do for fun?

8. What games did children play in your neighborhood?

9. What did a typical school day look like?

10. What did your family usually eat during the week?

11. What foods felt special or were saved for Sundays and holidays?

12. What sounds, smells, or places remind you most of childhood?

13. What were you like as a child?

14. Who were you closest to growing up?

15. What would you get in trouble for?

Parents, grandparents, and relatives

Names and dates can tell you how people are connected. These questions help reveal how relatives behaved, what they valued, and how they were experienced by the people around them.

16. What do you remember most clearly about your mother?

17. What do you remember most clearly about your father?

18. What were your grandparents like?

19. Who in the family were you especially close to?

20. Who was the strict one in the family?

21. Who was the funny one?

22. Who did people go to for advice?

23. Who kept the family connected?

24. Were there relatives who lived nearby or visited often?

25. What family nicknames do you remember, and where did they come from?

26. Who are some relatives younger generations may not know much about?

27. Is there anyone in the family you wish people talked about more?

28. What stories did older relatives tell about their own parents or grandparents?

Migration, neighborhoods, and places

For many Black families, movement is central to the family story. These questions can help explain not only where people went but why they left, what they hoped to find, and what they carried with them.

29. Where was the family living when you were born?

30. Did your family move while you were growing up?

31. What led the family to leave one place for another?

32. Who moved first?

33. How did other relatives decide where to go?

34. What do you remember about the trip or move?

35. What did the family leave behind?

36. What did they bring with them?

37. Who helped the family get settled?

38. What was the first neighborhood like?

39. Did relatives continue returning home after they moved?

40. What places have been especially important to our family?

41. Are there family homes, churches, schools, cemeteries, farms, or businesses we should document?

School, work, and adulthood

These questions can reveal ambitions, limitations, economic conditions, and accomplishments that rarely appear in family trees.

42. What schools did you attend?

43. What subjects did you enjoy?

44. Was there a teacher who made a lasting impression on you?

45. What did you think you would become when you grew up?

46. What was your first job?

47. How did you get it?

48. What kinds of work did your parents or grandparents do?

49. What job taught you the most?

50. Were there opportunities you wanted but could not pursue?

51. What accomplishment are you proudest of?

52. What skills did family members teach one another?

Love, marriage, and raising a family

Approach this category with sensitivity. Some people love these questions; others may have complicated or painful histories. Follow their lead.

53. How did you meet your spouse or partner?

54. What was your first impression of them?

55. What do you remember about your wedding or early life together?

56. What made a relationship last?

57. What was hardest about raising children?

58. What did you want your children to understand about family?

59. Who helped when the children were young?

60. What traditions did you intentionally continue?

61. What did you decide to do differently from the generation before you?

Faith, community, and public life

Black family history often overlaps with church life, mutual aid, neighborhood institutions, civic organizations, and community traditions.

62. What churches or faith communities were important to the family?

63. What role did the church play beyond Sunday services?

64. Were family members involved in civic groups, fraternities, sororities, clubs, unions, or neighborhood organizations?

65. Who were the community leaders you remember?

66. Where did people gather socially?

67. How did neighbors help one another?

68. What local events or traditions mattered to the family?

69. Did anyone in the family participate in political or civil rights work?

70. How did major events affect your household or community?

Family traditions, food, and reunions

These questions connect directly to the gathering around you and can help preserve traditions people practice without always knowing where they began.

71. What family traditions do you remember from childhood?

72. Which holidays were most important?

73. Who were the best cooks in the family?

74. What dish was each person known for?

75. Are there recipes that were never written down?

76. What foods appeared at every family gathering?

77. What sayings or expressions did older relatives use?

78. What songs did the family sing or play?

79. What do you remember about the earliest family reunions?

80. Who helped start or organize them?

81. What activities or traditions should future reunions continue?

82. What is something our family used to do that you would like to see brought back?

Photographs and family objects

Place the object in front of the person whenever possible. Do not stop after identifying names.

83. Who is in this photograph?

84. Where was it taken?

85. About what year do you think this was?

86. What was happening that day?

87. Who took the picture?

88. What do you notice that younger relatives might miss?

89. What happened to the people shown here?

90. Who owned this object before you?

91. How was it used?

92. Why was it kept?

93. Is there anything else in the family that should be photographed or preserved?

94. Who else should we ask about this?

Personality, humor, and family lore

Some of the most memorable stories are not the grand historical accounts. They are the stories people repeat because they reveal who someone was.

95. Who in the family could make everybody laugh?

96. What story always gets told when the family gathers?

97. Who was known for getting into trouble?

98. What family disagreement seems funny now?

99. What rumor or legend have you always wondered about?

100. What is something people commonly remember incorrectly?

101. Which relative was most different from how younger generations might imagine them?

102. What is the funniest thing you remember happening at a reunion or holiday?

Reflection and advice

These questions often work best near the end, after the person has settled into the conversation.

103. What period of your life changed you the most?

104. What was harder than people realized?

105. What helped you through difficult times?

106. What do you wish you had known when you were younger?

107. What values do you hope the family carries forward?

108. What do you think holds a family together?

109. What do you hope younger relatives understand about where they come from?

110. What question do you wish someone had asked your elders?

111. Is there a story you want to make sure the family remembers?

112. Who should I talk to next?

Create a place for memory at the reunion

By the time our reunion arrived, those planning conversations had shown me that family members had more than stories. They had photographs, documents, keepsakes, recipes, and pieces of the family record spread across their homes. We decided to create a Memory Studio where relatives could bring those materials and talk about them.

We equipped the space with scanners, a camera setup, and archival storage boxes. Family members sat for interviews, brought photographs to be scanned, and helped identify the people, places, and events shown in them. The equipment was useful, but the most valuable part was having a designated place and an expectation that family history belonged in the reunion program.

Without that structure, people may bring albums but leave them in a hotel room. They may mention a story during lunch that no one records. They may promise to send photographs later and genuinely intend to, but Monday comes, everyone returns home, and the momentum fades.

A Memory Studio does not need to look like ours. A quiet hotel room with a phone tripod and a portable scanner can work. So can a table at the family picnic staffed by two organized relatives. The important pieces are planning, communication, consent, and a clear workflow.

Before the reunion, tell people:

• what kinds of materials you are collecting;

• when and where the Memory Studio will be open;

• whether interviews require appointments;

• how long scanning may take;

• how originals will be handled;

• how digital files will be named and shared;

• who will have access afterward;

• and whom to contact with questions.

Schedule elders at times that respect their energy and the rest of the reunion program. Do not place the only interview window opposite the banquet, family meeting, or group photograph. Leave room for relatives who did not sign up but arrive with something important.

Have a simple intake form for every item. Record the owner’s name, contact information, item description, approximate date, names of people shown, and any restrictions on sharing. For interviews, note the full names of the interviewer and interviewee, the date, the location, and the subjects discussed.

The more organized you are at the beginning, the more likely the material will remain useful years later.

Photo direction: Use several images from the actual Memory Studio. One should show the overall room and equipment. Another should focus on the human interaction: a relative holding a photograph, two people leaning over an album, or someone talking while another listens. Avoid using only equipment photos. The story is about what the equipment made possible.

Don't scan the story out of the photograph

A clean digital scan is valuable, especially when the original is fragile or scattered family members need access. Still, scanning can create the illusion that the work is complete.

A photograph without names, dates, places, and context can become another mystery file passed down to the next generation. While someone is present to explain it, ask.

Do not limit the conversation to “Who is this?” Ask what was happening, why the group was together, who may have taken the photo, what the location looked like, what people were like at the time, and what happened afterward. Record uncertain identifications as uncertain rather than forcing an answer.

At our reunion, we scanned photographs and asked relatives to reflect on them. Those reflections became part of the 2025 Brunson Family Reunion collection in my kinkofa account, where cousins can access the materials together. The value is not just that the photograph now exists in a digital archive. The names, memories, and explanations travel with it.

That is what turns a collection of scans into family history.

Let younger family members participate

The elders should not be treated like exhibits while everyone younger waits for the “real” reunion activities to begin. Invite children, teenagers, and younger adults into the process.

A child may ask a wonderfully direct question that an adult would overthink. A teenager can operate a camera, scan photographs, or create short clips for the family. Young adults can help organize files, update the family tree, transcribe interviews, or follow up after the reunion.

They also need opportunities to tell their own stories. Oral history does not become important only after someone reaches a certain age. Ask younger relatives what they remember about the family, what traditions matter to them, and what they hope future reunions include. Record the reunion from several generations’ perspectives.

The family history you are creating is not limited to the past. The reunion itself will become history.

Make a plan for what happens afterward

A reunion can generate hundreds or thousands of photographs, videos, scans, interview files, names, corrections, and follow-up questions. If there is no plan for them, they can end up scattered across phones, text threads, email inboxes, and unnamed folders.

Decide before the reunion where the materials will live. Use consistent filenames. Back everything up. Keep originals separate from edited copies. Preserve full interviews even if you create shorter clips. Add names and descriptions while memories are still fresh.

Share something with the family soon after the reunion, even if the complete archive will take longer. A small gallery, a recorded story, or a set of newly identified photographs can remind relatives that their participation mattered and encourage others to contribute.

Follow up with the people who said they had more materials at home. Send a thank-you message to everyone who sat for an interview or loaned an item. Ask clarifying questions while the conversation is still recent. If you plan to create an heirloom book, documentary, exhibit, or other publication, tell contributors what comes next.

Our oral history work helped me document our family story and recipes in an heirloom book. It also created a reunion collection that our cousins can continue using rather than allowing everything we gathered to disappear once the weekend ended.

That continuity matters. A reunion should create a stronger family record for the next organizer, not require them to start over twenty-five years later with disconnected phone numbers and a guest list no one can find.

Build family history into the reunion plan

Preserving family history should not be treated as an optional side activity that gets added after the venues, meals, games, and shirts are finalized. It works best when it is part of the planning process from the beginning.

Your outreach can identify storytellers and materials. Your registration process can ask whether relatives have photographs, recipes, documents, or stories to contribute. Your itinerary can reserve time for interviews and scanning. Your communications can remind people what to bring. Your volunteer plan can assign people to intake, recording, scanning, labeling, and follow-up. Your post-reunion plan can give the family one place to continue sharing.

This is part of the thinking behind Kinnect. Reunion planning is already relationship work. It can also make room for the stories, photographs, and knowledge that surface while a family is reconnecting. The goal is not to turn every reunion into an archive conference or make organizers responsible for preserving everything at once. It is to help families notice the opportunity that is already in front of them and plan for it with care.

You are already doing the hardest part when you decide to bring everyone together. You are finding people, rebuilding connections, and giving relatives a reason to call one another again. The history work does not have to wait until everyone arrives. In many ways, it cannot.

Start with the invitation call. Listen for the story behind the answer. Ask what photographs they have and what they would be willing to bring. Find out who they think you should talk to next. Schedule the interview before the weekend fills up. Give the family a place to bring what they have carried.

Then, when the reunion arrives, you will not be trying to create meaningful conversations from nothing. You will be welcoming people into a conversation that has already begun.

And when everyone goes home, you will have more than a group picture proving the reunion happened. You will have names, voices, recipes, photographs, memories, and another part of the family story preserved for the people who come next.